I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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