It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
