she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
