The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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