I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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