tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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