god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
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this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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