I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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