i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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