Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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