I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
