My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
