Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
