my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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