I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
