i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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