theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
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Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.