Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
