I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.