I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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