Texts From Last Night

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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?

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  (204): I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right? http://tfl.nu/emft
  Replies (9) Good night (1080) Bad night (638)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.

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  (303): So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl. http://tfl.nu/7x7a
  Replies (4) Good night (1042) Bad night (549)
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  (325): View more from Texas

  just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?

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  (325): just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish? http://tfl.nu/2ysn
  Replies (26) Good night (3908) Bad night (835)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers

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  (850): They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers http://tfl.nu/xy1w
  Replies (9) Good night (1024) Bad night (2124)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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  (503): Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement. http://tfl.nu/wyat
  Replies (11) Good night (4257) Bad night (1255)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!

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  (434): A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!! http://tfl.nu/y0d6
  Replies (4) Good night (2209) Bad night (780)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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  (586): If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption http://tfl.nu/zznp
  Replies (13) Good night (1335) Bad night (1943)
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  (347): View more from New York

  When are you not under some influence?

  (917): View more from New York City

  Since last Tuesday...yesterday.

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  (347): When are you not under some influence? (917): Since last Tuesday...yesterday. http://tfl.nu/zuz3
  Replies (3) Good night (1449) Bad night (623)
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  (619): View more from California

  I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

  (1-619): View more from California

  Very innocently.

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  (619): I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend. (1-619): Very innocently. http://tfl.nu/o8xf
  Replies (19) Good night (2971) Bad night (589)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

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  (304): Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea. http://tfl.nu/ejed
  Replies (6) Good night (2456) Bad night (613)
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.

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  (857): It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful. http://tfl.nu/xfy4
  Replies (9) Good night (2058) Bad night (1093)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...

  (804): View more from Virginia

  It's called: a legit place to drop acid.

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  (201): What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage... (804): It's called: a legit place to drop acid. http://tfl.nu/crqc
  Replies (4) Good night (1187) Bad night (503)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one

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  (847): Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one http://tfl.nu/3ht8
  Replies (13) Good night (413) Bad night (1754)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep

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  (281): I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep http://tfl.nu/mi4b
  Replies (4) Good night (622) Bad night (429)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs

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  (717): Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs http://tfl.nu/5gk3
  Replies (1) Good night (227) Bad night (185)

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