I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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