I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
