You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
