Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
