I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
