Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
