Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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