I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
did i walk over a car last night?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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