So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish you could order shots online.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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