I accidentally burped into my bong.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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