Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
