Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
