Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
