Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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