i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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