Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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