Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
