there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
