I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
