I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
