is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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