you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
