I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
