I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
