he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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