i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
