My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
