just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
