the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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