thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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