Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
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I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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