i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
