My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
someone owes me an orgasm
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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