Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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