guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
